Lately, for whatever reason, I’ve been thinking about some of the key decisions I’ve made in my life. I call these Tactical Decisions. Tactical decisions are undoubtedly very important ones in life but their ultimate impact is usually not known for years. I’m talking about decisions such as accepting or departing from a job, getting married or getting divorced, staying where you live or moving someplace else, buying or selling a home, pursuing a graduate degree or taking that dream vacation. Those are just a few examples, but many of them all of us are likely to contemplate throughout our lives. One thing to notice about tactical decisions is that there is almost always a ying vs. yang relationship to them. Such as entering into a marriage vs. exiting a marriage via divorce. It’s possible that over time you will experience both sides of each coin. I know that I have. I’ve found that when some of these decisions have gone wrong (from my perspective at least) there has been a tendency to second guess them. I’ve also found that there’s really no point in second guessing after a decision has been made. It’s just a mental exercise at that point, and usually a painful one at that. We can only accept that we made the decision that we made and move forward from there.
My marriage and ultimate divorce 11 years later are two of those tactical decisions that have weighed on my mind. The marriage produced two children which yielded many wonderful family moments. The anticipation of a new pregnancy. The joy of a new birth. The sometimes exhausting but often joyful process of raising little ones. The process of the relationship with my ex-wife produced many wonderful moments. The first kiss. Falling in love. Discovering each other. The feeling that you were going to walk the world with that special someone. Alas, I experienced the downside of both marriage and family. The feeling of growing apart from a spouse and not knowing how to reverse that process. The frustration when I knew the marriage was not going to make it. The dread of being separated from my children post divorce. The feeling of the children’s love slipping away due to the phenomenon of parental alienation, which is more common than I realized. The financial and emotional cost of all of the above are staggering. On the one hand I mourn the past at times. On the other hand I marvel at how resilient I’ve been. I haven’t allowed the setbacks in life to break me. But yes indeed I have bent! I’ve come to realize that the process of bending in the wake of pressure is likely what prevents one from breaking. Divorce, and the related family fallout, have been painful but I have resigned myself to the fact that they were necessary since my ex-wife and I were drifting hopelessly apart. Hanging on to the marriage may have done more damage in the long run. Since then my next tactical decision with regard to relationships has been one to clearly avoid marriage. Because for all the joy of the upside, the pain of the downside is a more frightening proposition.
Over the years I’ve also been one to pick up and move. Sometimes to a nearby town. Sometimes within a state. Sometimes to a nearby state. And sometimes farther away. In retrospect I’ve moved too many times over the years. Going back 30 years I’ve moved at least 11 times, more than once every 3 years! Sometimes I’ve been in rental situations and other times I’ve owned a house or apartment. Each move has a story associated with it. Probably my most painful move was associated with the divorce as I went from a large family home to a much smaller apartment all by myself. I assert that a willingness and ability to move from place to place (local or farther away) is a very important tactical decision. There are times when the best opportunities are available someplace where you’re not and not everyone possesses the initiative to seize on those opportunities. None of us have a perfect crystal ball though, and sometimes those tactical decisions produce negative results over time. In my case, having moved most recently 3.25 years ago, I have at least resigned myself to staying put for longer this time since the cost of too many moves (and I’ve made too many) usually outweighs the benefits. I can’t change the tactical decisions of the past with regard to moving but I can learn from them and consider my living situation more intently in the future.
I’ve been looking back on my career decisions as well. Career decisions are critical tactical decisions. In my twenties I changed careers often, having at least four distinct careers during that decade. Finally, around the age of 29 I settled on a career field which I have stayed with over the ensuing almost 30 years. But I have not stayed with the same company during that time. In that almost 30 years I’ve been with 3 companies, the most recent one for 15 years. I think that the prerogative to change careers or companies is an important one in terms of finding the right fit. So I’m glad to have taken the chance to try different things. But as with moving I think it’s smart to eventually settle on a career and a company, rather than constantly seeking out greener pastures. I have a colleague who I know as a client who has been with 4 companies in about 6 years. Now I can’t say that I know the intimate details of the person’s situation but I do know that eventually they will need to settle down. Because while changing jobs can be economically advantageous and intellectually rewarding there is also overhead associated with such changes, particularly if a person has a family. Sometimes effects can be cascading. My last job change lead to a move and not so long after the move came a divorce. In that way one tactical decision can lead to a chain reaction of tactical decisions. A few years ago I considered changing jobs and I thought about the points I made above. Going through the process of early interviews with potential new employers I felt unsatisfied. My stubborn instincts with regard to finishing something once I’ve started became tempered. It’s around this time that I started to appreciate the value of stability and familiarity. It’s not the end of the world if I’m not seen as a captain of industry who was able to achieve the ideal position within my field. It’s also not the end of the world if I don’t get the maximum amount of compensation. Because in the end none of that will matter. Job titles don’t go on grave stones and neither do peak salary amounts!
Finally, I’ve been considering the major life and career tactical decision of retirement. This is a road that I haven’t been down before. One of the few actually. It’s a time when I contemplate the things I’ve learned from other important tactical decisions in my life. One important thing I’ve learned is to think about every person who will be impacted by your decision. It’s something that perhaps I didn’t consider well enough when I had an intact family. Ironically, though it’s basically myself who will be impacted at this time. It’s still good to remember others as a consideration. One thing I think about which is a good thing to think about when making any tactical decision is how life is now vs. how I expect life to be on the other side of the decision. Can I clearly see a better future? Does the future appear marginally better or greatly better? For the moment it seems that the future will be greatly better in retirement. Of course, when we want something we do tend to bias our belief about what life will be like once the decision is made. Is the decision potentially a permanent one? An important question to consider when making any tactical decision in life. If it’s not permanent what will it take to reverse the decision? Another very important question to ponder because burning bridges is rarely a good idea. I’ve decided that my retirement (which many would consider an early one) is not necessarily a permanent one. I could decide after a couple of years to go back to work, either in my most recent field or another one. I could choose to do that out of financial needs (which I don’t think is likely) or just out of a desire to be stimulated in the way that my career once stimulated me. Either way, when a tactical decision is one that can be undone (though likely not completely undone) it lessens the risk of the decision.
There’s no fine point that I’ll put on this post. The main point is to illuminate the importance of tactical decisions in life. They can be a vehicle for making great leaps but can also lead to great disappointment. Know that tactical decisions exist and that they should be considered differently than the many decisions we make on a daily basis. One person may consider many tactical decisions in life but take action on few. Another person (which is where I seem to stand) may act on numerous tactical decisions during their lifetime. I suppose if there’s one thing I’ve learned about tactical decisions it’s that taking action on too many of them can dilute their positive benefits. Considering different opportunities in life is wonderful, whether they are career, relationship, financial, leisure or other opportunities. Being quite selective of those opportunities is fine too. There is no one correct answer but as usual we live and we learn.
In The Midst Of A Journey 